I am maladjusted to life, in full flight from reality and an outright mental defective (thanks Dr. Silkworth). That means (drinking or not) — although I may look like a full grown adult, I remain childish, grandiose and gravely emotionally immature. As a going human concern, my natural state is one of growing anxiety, depression and fear, coupled with an intense desire for excitement. A condition of being which is exacerbated with and complicated by an obsessive, compulsive, impulsive, excessive, controlling, demanding need for attention, acceptance and unqualified approval. A condition of being which renders me restless, irritable and discontented with life.
Mentally, my thought life is controlled by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity; all of which drive me to live my life according to selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, inconsiderate, resentful and frightened motives, motives which left unattended in me arouse and engage dangerous and life threatening levels of lust (I try not to make eye contact). Pride, anger, envy, greed, sloth, gluttony, I turn into a pig, I want it all – that renders me emotionally a bit sensitive. Which means I have a strong tendency toward taking everything I see or hear personally. I don’t like criticism and I’ll be damned if I can stand praise (I don’t believe you). When it comes to suffering emotionally, I don’t like to suffer emotionally. I don’t suffer well and I don’t suffer alone.
Socially, I’m a bankrupt idealist and brooding perfectionist who lives defensively and guarded in fear of being found out. As such, I tend to rationalize, minimize, justify and deny all of my actions while casting blame upon innocent people in a vigorous attempt to avoid attention. When it comes to my fellow man and woman, I demand the absolute possession and control of everybody and every circumstance that enters my arena of life. My response to you is that I am quick to anger, I’m slow to virtue, and I get a distinct and succinct delight and twisted pleasure out of judging and criticizing everybody I see.
My outstanding characteristic is defiance, and rebellion dogs my every step. Now, as a child of God, that is a list of my finer qualities (anybody want a date?). You’ll hear this at every meeting you go to, but from newcomers, this is how you hear them: “I don’t fit in, I don’t belong, I’m not a part of, my God what’s wrong with me – I must be different.” And the only thing that satisfies that restless, irritable, dissatisfied nature in me is alcohol or drugs. In “A Vision For You” it tells me that there’s a sufficient substitute and it is vastly more than that. So I don’t have to drink and I don’t need to run away anymore.
By Wayne B.
This is an excellent definition of an alcoholic and/or addict describing our general characteristics. Uncorrected this is who we are, our primary personality. Many thanks to the Wayne B. for sharing this with the recovery community.
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Check out the characteristics we share in “Our Primary Personality” by Wayne B. on StepWorkshop.com or http://tinyurl.com/33kw638 #xa
RT 12stepsworkshop: Check out the characteristics we share in “Our Primary Personality” on http://StepWorkshop.com or http://tinyurl.com/33kw638 #12steps
This is very true for me too. Wayne, thanks for the essay!
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